Relationships: Where Does God Fit In? (part 4)

It's sad to admit that our ideals within usually never quite match up with the way in which we portray them through the lives we live; however, should we allow the reality of what has already been done alter the ideals within, or should we hold steadfastly to our ideals and persevere toward a goal that aligns what will be done to these ideals instead? In saying this I mean, just because our definition of an ideal relationship with God does not match what we can physically observe in our own lives, should we give up on this notion within and concede to the reality that we have, are, and will always be terrible people: regardless of how hard we try to accurately portray these ideals? After you have given yourself a moment to let this question marinate inside your mind, take a second to picture an artist that is standing in front of an empty canvas. Before he puts his brush to canvas, he conjures up a mental image of what he would like to see on the canvas that stands in front of him. The mental image within is most likely full of life, beauty, complexity, and a picture perfect portrayal of what he would like to see in his masterpiece. However, as he attempts to replicate this picture within, he sees that the actual lines, colors, and strokes on the canvas do not quite serve his mental image any justice. Now, could this artist ever truly be great if he was to be satisfied with a portrait that didn't quite meet the standards of how he imagined it in his head? On the contrary, he would only become a great artist in the event that he continually persevered to make the work of art look as close to the mental image as possible. After all, practice makes perfect does it not? 

Now you may be asking, "Where exactly are you going with this train of thought?" or "What does this have anything to do with being best friends with God?" Well, I'll tell you. Being best friends with God is much like an artist trying to paint his masterpiece. We are the artist, our ideal understanding of what it looks like to be His best friend is the mental image, our actions are the brush strokes, and our continual pursuit to align our lives with this ideal is the artist's perseverance to produce his masterpiece by painting the most accurate portrayal of the mental image within as possible. So if I am the artist and I’m standing in front of this empty canvas we call life, my first objective is to imagine what it looks like to be best friends with God. So what would my ideal understanding of being best friends with God look like? Though there may be several ways in which we can paint this picture, I believe there are three main criteria that should serve as the foundation for this mental image. In order to become best friend’s with God, we must first acknowledge that we need to abandon our pride, sacrifice our control in order to be willing to become utterly vulnerable, and finally, ask and demand Him to give the only gift worth receiving: His perfect love to be revealed to us, in us, and through us. Once these three objectives have been firmly rooted in our hearts and minds, we can truly start to paint our very own masterpiece that portrays a picture of what it looks like to be best friends with God. 

When formulating a mental image of what it looks like to be best friends with God, we must first learn how to abandon our pride. Pride takes on many forms and the good Lord knows how it has manifested itself in a shameful number of ways in my own life. I’ve spent a great deal of my life misplacing my confidence in my own talents and abilities because it seemed so natural to take all the credit for my own accomplishments. My lips would give God the credit; but in my heart, I held onto it with a selfish grip that didn’t seem to want to let go. This stubborn pride then nurtured this misconception that I could do everything on my own and that I didn’t need anyone’s help: much less God’s help. If I didn’t need His help, then what good was He to me? After all, most relationships usually revolve around a symbiotic coexistence. As terrible as it sounds, if a friend has nothing to offer you, you are more likely to cut that friend off than another friend that actually had something to offer in return. For this very reason, we must abandon our pride in order to dispel the delusion that tells us God has nothing to offer us. Once we have abandoned our pride, we can begin to see that God is not useless; but rather, He is quite a necessary best friend that has way more to offer us than we could have ever imagined.

If you are feeling terrible because you feel like this pride issue is just as profound in your own life as it is in mine, do not be discouraged. Pride may be very crippling in your walk with God, but that does not mean you are alone in your struggle. In fact, I would argue that every single Christian battles with this issue of pride in some way, shape, or form. Take the tower of babel for example.  Genesis 11:1-9 says:

“Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there. They said to each other, ‘Come let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth.’ But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. The LORD said, ‘If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.’ So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. That is why it was called Babel – because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.”

There are two things we should take away from this passage. One, as a collective group, mankind possesses a certain degree of pride that compels them to want to make a name for themselves and two, God knows how capable man is and so there will be times in our lives when He intervenes in order to remind His children that He wants us to rely on Him rather than our own merits. Now ask yourself this, when do you find yourself seeking God the most? If you answered, “When I’m helpless and desperately in need of His help,” you will see that God knows exactly how to get your attention. After all, He is our father is He not? In these times of desperation, do not feel guilty or terrible for seeking Him only when it seems convenient; because in all fairness, feeling such guilt only shows that you acknowledge your own transgressions and that you are abandoning your pride by admitting that He in fact does have something to offer you in return, Love. Do not convince yourself that you shouldn’t seek Him because you feel like you are only seeking Him when it is convenient for you because that is nothing more than the Devil’s whispers resounding in your ears. Instead, know that you are not perfect and so when God intervenes to get your attention, you are simply obeying His call when you seek Him in such desperate times. It is better to feel guilty for being a horrible best friend than to not be His best friend at all; hence, we must abandon our pride - and do it daily - in order to strive to be less of a horrible best friend and more of an ideal best friend instead. Now that we’ve established that abandoning our pride is necessary because it allows us to see the necessity in being His best friend in the first place, let us now move onto why it is pertinent that we actively sacrifice control in order to become vulnerable before Him.     

          

Relationships: Where Does God fit in? (part 3)

When I think of the concept of what being a best friend means to me and how it relates to God, one song comes to mind: Best Friend by Hillsong. But before we delve into this correlation and get too far ahead of ourselves, let's take the time to define the meaning of the word 'best friend' through the lens of human understanding. Thus far, we have outlined the basic differences between an acquaintance and a friend and established a finite similarity between the two by acknowledging the fact that they are both constrained by a limited capacity to love. However, it would be a fallacy for me to draw the conclusion that best friends, within the realm of man, will 100% of the time distinguish themselves as a type of relationship that successfully illustrates and executes true unconditional love. Suffice it to say, best friends are more than capable of ending such a relationship just as much as acquaintances and friends can; but despite this discouraging reality that life is never as perfect as we would imagine in to be, one important aspect behind the essence of best friends sets itself apart from that of acquaintances and friends. This is, the ability to love without limitations and to reveal the very most intimate portrayal of one's heart to the other: given that the most optimal circumstances are still yet present or un-compromised.

Unconditional love within the confines of human understanding could very well not be unconditional love at all. This is probably because unconditional love can mean so many different things to so many different people and because humans will, most likely, never truly be able to comprehend the magnitude of God's unconditional love for mankind. Consequently, I would be ignorant if I was to say there was only one right definition for unconditional love within the parameters of man's limited understanding; however, for the sake of progressing with my train of thought, I shall try and focus on the lowest common denominator of its definition. So what does unconditional love mean and why aren't acquaintances and friends capable of portraying it quite as eloquently as best friends are able to? The answer is simple, because the unconditional of love found between best friends is much closer to accurately portraying God's unconditional love than acquaintances and friends will ever be capable of showing. Why else would there be distinguishing factors that set apart these three types of relationships and why else would best friends be much closer to each other than acquaintances? In essence, though all three relationships within human understanding are not capable of providing the correct formula, some relationships are much closer to solving the equation than others. For this very reason, we have come one step closer to the correct answer by gradually leading up to the dynamic relationship found between best friends.

Best friends sometime share such an intimate bond that not even blood could succeed in melding. However, the question I would like to pose, is what makes this bond so seemingly unbreakable? Why are some best friends willing to go to the extremes of even sacrificing one's own life for the other? What compels one best friend to put the needs of the other before his/her own? How come some best friends are able to overlook even the most obscene character flaws? At what point in the relationship is a person able to reveal his/her deepest and darkest secrets without hesitation or fear of being judged or rejected? What enables one best friend to forgive and forget even the most heartbreaking betrayals committed by the other best friend? Sometimes, we have no idea why we are able to do the things we do for our best friends; but yet, we do it anyways. Now ask yourself this. Could you see yourself doing those things for an acquaintance or a friend? If you are, I adamantly commend you with the utmost humility; because you haven't just gotten closer to God's definition of unconditional love, you have hit the nail on the head.

I believe Best friends become best friends primarily because of two main attributes. I believe a friend becomes a best friend when he/she is able to become completely vulnerable to the other and is also willing to reveal even the most cherished aspects of his/her love: which is a love that has been reserved specifically for the people that are willing to reciprocate these two attributes with the same level of intensity in return. Many times, we obtain these two attributes with our best friends so naturally that we don't even realize the level of intimacy that we share with them. This level of intimacy then becomes the very essence that defines the relationship you share with your best friend. Once this level of intimacy has been achieved, your "cup" seizes to be a cup; and instead, transforms into a fountain: a fountain that knows no boundaries and demands no conditions. However, just because this is the most ideal portrayal of what best friends are, it does not necessarily mean that every "best friend" relationship will illustrate the same picture that I have painted for us today. This depiction is merely my own illustration of what I personally believe to be the essence of what it means to be a best friend; however as I said earlier, everyone's definition is different.

Now wouldn't it be nice if we could look at our own relationships with God and confidently say that we are truly best friends with Him? What would our relationships with God look like if this type of relationship was the most accurate portrayal of how we would define our relationship with Him? When I ask myself this very question, I see that I still have a long - very very long - way to go before I can proclaim such a relationship with 100% confidence. However, the beauty of being best friends with God is this, we can always progress toward a greater goal or purpose without having to start back from square one every time we fall short: and that's because God's understanding far surpasses our own when it comes to truly comprehending the meaning of unconditional love. With this in mind, take a moment to read the lyrics of the song I mentioned in the beginning of this entry.

Best Friend

Have you heard of the one called savior?

Have you heard of His perfect love?

Have you heard of the one in Heaven?

Have you heard how He gave his Son?

Well I have found this love,

And I believe in the Son. Show me your way.

I believe in the one called Savior.

I believe He's the Risen one.

I believe that I'll live forever.

I believe that the King will come.

Cause I have found this love.

And I believe in the Son. Show me your way.

Jesus, you are my best friend and you will always be

And nothing will ever change that.

Jesus, you are my best friend and you will always be

And nothing will ever change that.  

No nothing will ever change that

No nothing will ever change that

No nothing will ever change that

No nothing will ever change that    

Now. How much sweeter would these lyrics mean to us if we could sing it without an inkling of doubt that it was true in our very own lives? If this is something that you truly yearn for, the next entry should be very juicy, exciting, discouraging, and encouraging all at the same time; because, we will take a closer look at what it really means to be best friends with God.        

Relationships: Where Does God fit in? (part 2)

Friendship is such a precious commodity in anyone's life because it aids in allowing us to reach the conclusion that maybe we aren't alone in this world. When we live out our lives without the realization that friendship is in fact a necessity for any given individual, it becomes so easy to start believing that we are capable of existing in this world without any external resources to help us reach our final destinations in the lives that we live. More importantly, it allows satan to encourage us to entertain the thought that maybe we don't need God at all. Now, you might be asking, 'How in the world can you reach such a conclusion by just drawing a parallel comparison between friendship and my relationship with God?' The answer is simple. When we begin convincing ourselves that we don't need anyone's help to reach the goals that we have set for ourselves, we essentially allow the possibility to include God in this generalization; and consequently, this notion creates a black hole within our souls that can eventually brainwash us into thinking that God is not necessary in our immediate lives as well. This is why I believe Jesus did not leave this earth without establishing a solid foundation within the church that would eventually become the body of Christ. I believe that one of the reasons why the Church and its core essence has thrived over time is because God wanted to remind us everyday that we are not alone in this world; and therefore, the very existence of church serves as a daily reminder that it is not natural to believe we can do things on our own. However, we will discuss this in greater detail later.

Friendship

If the lowest common denominator in relationships is acquaintances, then friendship is the next step up. There are so many reasons why friendships exist in our lives. Some friendships exist because of ulterior motives, some because of a common interest, some because it is mutually beneficial, and some because it just feels natural. Whatever the reason is for being in any given friendship, one aspect is usually held constant: we maintain such friendships because we either feel there is no need to end the friendship or because we are benefitting from the friendship. However, once the aspect of maintaining a friendship does not fall into one of these two categories, we usually end up terminating the friendship in question: that is, if we know what's best for us.

When we take the next step up in intimacy with someone that was originally just an acquaintance, there are a few "upgrades" that we can utilize in a more complex relationship that is a friendship. Firstly, the mere existence of the friendship allows you to spend more time with this friend. Secondly, the friendship becomes a resource in which you can choose to utilize or take for granted. And lastly, the existence of a friendship allows you to gain a third person perspective in the world in which you live. Needless to say, though there are many more aspects of a friendship that far outweighs the benefits of simply being an acquaintance, I will focus on these three key aspects so that we can maintain a focused direction.

Though acquaintances may lack the dynamics and depth to really possess the diversity to set apart one acquaintance from another, friendships can be vastly different depending on who the friendship is with. With that being said, friendships have a much greater capacity in which you can choose to pour yourself into than an acquaintance might have. Picture two cups in varying sizes for example. Let's say a very shallow cup represents an acquainted relationship, while a 20oz cup represents a friendship. In the shallow cup, there is not much difference between a full one and and empty one. However, in a 20oz cup, there is a vast difference between a 20oz cup with very little water poured into it and a 20oz cup that has been filled to the brim. In the same way, friendships can be as intimate as you want or as shallow as you want. There are some "friendships" in our lives that we enjoy simply because they are convenient and they fulfill the basic need to not feel alone by spending time with them. However, there are some "friendships" we hold onto very dearly because there is a shared intimacy that cannot be so easily extinguished by trivial circumstances such as distance, disputes, and other relationships. With that being said, though there is a big difference between a shallow cup and a 20oz cup, one mutual fact remains: they are both cups with a limited capacity. This realization can be as profound or as trivial as you choose it to be; but in the end, this is a realization we all must come to terms with at some point in our lives. There are defined boundaries that we cannot ignore when it comes to acquaintances and friendships. However, there are a few relationships in our lives that we may coin as "best friends" that do not share such a limited capacity in common; but, that will be for another day.

Now that we have painted a large enough picture in order to portray what a friendship looks like, let's take the time to apply this image to a more isolated realm: Christian friendships. As I mentioned earlier, I believe one of the reasons why the existence of church has thrived throughout the years is because it has served as a reminder to Christians that we cannot live in this fallen world alone. I believe the book of Acts does a great job of supporting this belief. Acts 2:42-47 says:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

When it comes to the body of Christ and addressing the realities of the fact that we do not live in an ideal world, we begin to see that though there shouldn't be any discrepancies between acquaintances and friends within the body of Christ, there still remains distinct differences between the two. For example, you would probably be more inclined and convicted to aid a friend in need than you would just a mere acquaintance: regardless of the fact they are both within the body of Christ. For this very reason, we should acknowledge the need to nurture friendships within the body of Christ; because, fellowship and quality time with other brothers and sisters in Christ helps eradicate this extraneous variable. Ask yourself this question. Would you be more inclined to confide in an acquaintance or a friend when it comes to sharing your struggles in your walk with God? If it doesn't really make a difference and you are equally able to confide in an acquaintance as you are with a friend in Christ, then there probably is no need to distinguish such a difference. However, if this is not the case, you can begin to understand why it is crucial to nurture more than just acquaintances within the body of Christ. We as Christians need to realize that we are better off living life with the aid of external resources rather than living this life alone. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). Therefore, we must surround ourselves with Christian friends that can help us with our struggles and walk with God.

Now let us take one step deeper into this train of thought and begin to depict the correlation between a friendship and our relationship with God. There are many Christians that are friends with God. At the bare minimum, being friends with God shows us that as long as there is no reason to terminate the relationship or we are actually benefiting from the relationship with God, there is no need to cease our "friendship" with God. Being friends with God means that we are able to spend quality time with Him, come to Him if we need help, and take advantage of a third person perspective when it comes to the lives that we live. However, the same limitations in a friendship applies to our relationship with God in the event that we are nothing more than just "friends."  In this I mean, once a conflict or circumstance in our lives presents itself as a big enough reason to cease our "friendship" with God or we feel like we are not benefitting from Him (according to our own limited understanding), we will be much more inclined to turn our backs on Him if "friendship" is the extent of our relationship. This is why there is a crucial need to harvest a deeper relationship with God, because we must establish a relationship with Him that knows no boundaries and is not limited by conditional love. If God is willing to love us unconditionally, what gives us the right to put conditions on our love for Him? For this reason, we must not be satisfied with being "just friends" with God; instead, we must be best friends and this is what I shall address in my next entry.

Relationships: Where Does God fit in? (part 1)

What dictates the difference between being an acquaintance, friend, or a best friend to somebody in your life? When does someone you simply acknowledge by name become more than just someone you say hello to while crossing paths? Why is it that we are so afraid to be revealed as the person we truly are to the people around us? These are all questions we should ask ourselves when it comes to truly being a part of the body of Christ; but more importantly, these are questions we should ask ourselves when evaluating our own personal walks with God. In this particular series, I will be focusing on how the level of vulnerability in our relationships is directly correlated with the intensity of love that is revealed in returned through the law of reciprocation; but most importantly, I will articulate how this very concept applies to our own relationship with God so that we can really challenge ourselves to beg the question: 'What am I to God and what is He to me?'  

Acquaintances

On the outermost fringe of the walls we've created in order to maintain distance from the greater population around us, lies our generalized circle of acquaintances. These are the people we run into in the hallways of our lives and simply call out their names in order to acknowledge their existence with a simple greeting. Opportunities may arise from time to time so that we can exchange a few moments of light conversation and maintain the status quo between these pre-established affiliations; but for the most part, depth is hardly ever an attribute in these casual affairs. However, there is absolutely no harm in being nothing more than acquaintances; because ultimately, it is better to be acquainted with someone who is clearly a part of your world than to continue coexisting as complete strangers. Essentially, it is only okay in the sense that it is better to be acquainted than to be nothing at all. 

Acknowledgment is one of the first steps in regard to forging a relationship with someone that is a part of the world in which you live. Logistically, it is almost impossible to take everyone of these acquainted relationships to the next level because, humans are confined by the boundaries of time and there is only so much of it that we can give. However, in the very least, we as integral parts of the body of Christ, should invest the time to become acquainted with other parts of the body as well. What good is it to the body of Christ if the left hand does not have a general understanding of the right? 1 Corinthians 12:12-20 does a great job of articulating the reality that though there are many different parts to the body of Christ, they are all still unified through Christ by saying:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many 

parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all 

baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews 

or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 

Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not 

belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being 

part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not 

an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that 

reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, 

where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an 

ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed 

the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them 

to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? 

As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The key concept to grasp onto, in regard to this passage and how it relates to our relationships with acquaintances, is the realization that any given individual is not necessarily meant to naturally connect with everyone else around him/her. Realistically, there will usually be certain people in your life that you quickly harmonize with, more so than everyone else. However, just because there are certain people in your life that you are naturally more comfortable connecting with, it does not mean you should discount the necessity to at least nurture a familiarity with other parts of the body as well. 

Musicians will naturally mingle with other musicians and people with similar interests or circumstances will make quicker connections with others that are essentially on the same page. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this reality; however, it is when we as Christians begin to build up walls in order to enclose these comfort zones from everyone else that it becomes a problem. This is when many of us Christians prevent ourselves from establishing even the most basic relationships with other brothers and sisters in the body of Christ. Therefore, there is a crucial necessity for all of us to do our parts by breaking down those walls between certain "clicks" at church and instead work on bridging together the many different islands of social circles within the body of Christ. In saying this, I do not mean we should prevent ourselves from getting closer with our close friends so that we can try to diversify our loyalties; however, what I am saying, is that we should not restrict ourselves with comfort zones and instead, be willing to explore other areas within the body of Christ as well. How much more efficient would a body be if the eyes could coordinate seamlessly with the hands in order to execute even the most simple tasks? Because of this elementary principle that we all are so familiar with, it is important that the lowest common denominator in your relationships with the people in the world around you should be as an acquaintance rather than as a stranger.

Now that we have addressed the tip of the iceberg in regards to our understanding of acquaintances, let's take a deeper look and see how this concept is applied to the dynamic relationship between a Christian and his/her relationship with God. In our relationship with God, once we have made the conscious decision to accept the Lord as our personal savior, we are establishing the notion that the lowest common denominator in our relationship between us and God is an acquainted relationship. At this stage, we have established the fact that we acknowledge His existence and He is no longer a stranger to us. This type of relationship is very common amongst new believers that have just begun to familiarize themselves with the idea of establishing a relationship with God. However, don't you think it's sad that there are so many of us Christians, that no longer have the same excuse a new believer has; and yet, still find ourselves in the same type of relationship with God as a mere acquaintance?

This type of relationship with God is extremely dangerous for Christians that have a clear understanding of the Bible; and yet, are still satisfied with becoming complacent with this level of intimacy with God, regardless of how much time has passed. This is so because, though they may acknowledge God, and God acknowledges them, they will never be able to establish the level of intimacy needed in order for God to begin revealing deeper parts of His heart and love. Christians that have been comfortable with simply being acquainted with God will miss out on many aspects of God's Love that is just itching to be revealed to them if only they would be willing to take the next step of intimacy. The simplest things, such as nurturing a genuine curiosity, can make the difference between simply being acquainted with God and taking one step further into His love by becoming a friend instead: figuratively speaking. The question you have to ask yourself now, is 'Are you happy being just an acquaintance with God? Or are you hungry for more?' If the answer is the latter, then the solution is simple, be willing to become just a little more vulnerable and just a little more willing to surrender yourself in your relationship with God. It is then, you can move on from being just an acquaintance with God to actually being His Friend. Friendship and all the complexities associated with it will be discussed in my next entry; but until then, let this entry be food for thought and something we genuinely meditate on when it comes to our own personal walks with God.         

       

Transformation (part 8)

After I returned to my original church with a new conviction to really try and make an effort to become a part of a community, I found myself spending more time with Jane and her friends after service. It was euphoric being able to actually spend time with her and really begin to learn things about her as a person, rather than just an object of my affection. With each passing week, I was able to pick up on some of her mannerisms, opinions, passions, struggles, and hobbies that she enjoyed. Needless to say, not all of the things I learned about her were positive; but then again, I never really held her up on a pedestal to ever be disappointed by such realizations about her that weren't so appealing. I remember thinking to myself and wishing that she would somehow naturally develop a desire to get to know me in the same way; because, I truly felt that if she got to know who I was as a person and a brother in Christ, she would see something more than just the door to my heart: she would be able to see the beauty within as well. I really wanted her to be curious enough to reciprocate the same vulnerability that I was willing to surrender for her so that she could finally see who I truly was. I wanted her to see the good and the bad things about me so that she could begin to realize that she had nothing to be afraid of; because, I would never judge her or be disappointed in what I found out once she truly opened up to me.

Let's fast forward to December. Jane's birthday was coming up and I contemplated what I should get her so that I could portray the right message. I wanted to get her something thoughtful enough to show her that I really cared about her; but at the same time, not get her anything so big so that it would make her feel uncomfortable.I would like to think my gift achieved its purpose, but I guess I'll never really know for sure. However, when she received my gift, the smile on her face came as a huge relief for me and that was all I needed: to see that I was able to put a smile on her face.

During this time, John was going through his transformation and I myself was slowly making adjustments in my own Christian walk. Through John's transformation, I slowly began to realize that my views on loving a woman could potentially by detrimental to my relationship with God: so I really began to adjust my feelings for Jane so that I wouldn't be pursuing her for the wrong reasons. This internal battle between my heart and my mind was quite overwhelming because all I wanted to do was tell Jane how I really felt; but, I knew that if God was to even consider blessing a relationship between Jane and me, I had to get right with God and be in tune with His heart first. Despite the awareness of my apparent struggle, the emotions inside were begging to come out and so an inspiration for a new song was born. I decided it was time to stop and really take a few steps back in order to meditate on how I really felt inside for Jane. Then, my words began to illustrate the rushing river inside that was powered by the passionate currents of emotion flowing inside of me. I named the song "Nothing Less Than You" and the lyrics went like this:

have you ever had to separate your heart and mind to wait for something great

cause its killing me inside not to share my heart with you

I'm tryin to take it slow, I'm tryin to hold it all in, but every time I see you smile I seem to cave in

cos no one else can seem to compare with you

So though I am afraid,

My heart is on display

and I wouldn't have it any other way

Words just don't do justice to the way I feel

cos standing next to you to me just seems so surreal

And I'm tired of being just another fan in the crowd

so now its time to say, want nothing less than you

I searched my soul, I searched my heart and mind and it seems you're the only girl my love could find

so please look at me under a new light

its takes a little faith just to let me in, but I promise you'll be happy with what's within

cos baby you're the only girl that's on my mind

So though I am afraid,

My heart is on display

and I wouldn't have it any other way

Words just don't do justice to the way I feel

cos standing next to you to me just seems so surreal

And im tired of being just another fan in the crowd

so now its time to say, want nothing less than you

 

But if your heart don’t sing - the same tune I’m playing

The next girl that I meet, will be nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

Christmas was fast approaching after I wrote this song and the restlessness inside of me was becoming more and more hindering. The impatience that was welling up inside of me wanted to forcefully introduce a game changer to the whole scenario between Jane and me. It wanted to spill the beans to Jane and just get it over with; but, I couldn't discount the fact that I still had to tread carefully: because I knew how thin the line was between pursuing love for a girl in Christ, and pursuing love simply for personal gratification's sake. I concluded that I had to remain patient and maintain the course that I was already on, slow and steady. Everyday I would pray about her and really ask God for wisdom throughout the whole ordeal, regardless of the outcome, so that I could still come away from this experience with a heart right with God.  After giving it much thought, I decided I would get her a gift that would truly make her feel special. I knew that even though she was probably completely content with being single, I felt it would still mean a lot to her if she knew that someone out there truly believed that she was special. After she received the gift, I was hoping that something would happen from the gesture; but to my dismay, nothing ever changed between us, at least to my knowledge that is. 

Then the day after Christmas came and John attended church with me. My transformation manifested itself to its full critical mass and it was as if I was able to see things clearly again. Once I was transformed and given a new paradigm in which I could view myself, the world around me, and my relationship with God, I came to the realization that my affections for Jane would only hinder my walk with God.  I say this because if I continued to feel the way I did for Jane while there was still a very high possibility that she would never return those same feelings back to me, I wouldn't truly be able to focus on God. Therefore, I decided I would have to make a conscious effort to lock away my feelings for Jane once more. This was the only way to maintain my relationship with Jane as a friend and sister in Christ without having to block her out of my life completely. As long as I could guard my heart from such unmerited affections, she could still be a part of my life without being a temptation or a hindrance. 

Essentially, my initial transformation took place because of my relationship with John. It truly put into perspective that I needed to love God more and put Him above any other love in this world. Then, my relationship with Jane showed me that one of my biggest hindrances in my walk with God was my love for women and that I really needed to guard my heart in that area of my life in order to truly focus on God. Though I am changing even still and learning how to put God first with each passing day, I am so grateful that John and Jane were placed into my life; because ultimately, God comes first and my relationships with John and Jane both played a role in helping me reach this epiphany. So in sum, meeting John and Jane served as the very reason why 2010 will forever go down in my book as one of the best years of my life.        

Transformation (part 7)

I used to despise it when people would say, "I just want to be friends because I really value my friendship with you." Its pretty ironic though because I used to say that all the time to the girls that would approach me and confess their feelings for me; but, I guess we all have double standards we're not quite proud of right? However, the more I got to know Jane, the more I began thinking to myself that I would rather be close to her as a friend than be nothing at all to her. I can honestly say that Jane was the first girl I ever felt this way for; but that's also because I was thoroughly convinced that she was way out of my league. However, it wasn't because I lacked confidence in myself in any way; rather, it was because I lacked confidence in my relationship with God. At that point in my life, God was just a passenger in the backseat and not really the navigator of my life. My friends had no idea why I felt like she was out of my league and they would always tell me to be more confident in myself because I had everything going for me, at least on the outside that is. Though I was still not under the same roof as God, He was still my Father remember?  This distance that I had with God weighed heavily on my conscience because I've always been a hopeless romantic and therefore, I always had marriage in mind: and if I was to view Jane as a potential wife, I knew I would have to be a lot closer to God's heart and capable of being a spiritual leader rather than a follower.

Contrary to popular belief, the first impression that I usually give to people is nothing like who I really am on the inside. On the outside, I emit a certain aura of confidence in the way I carry myself and many times people misconceive my confidence, my way with words, and my physical appearance as a flashing light that screams, "I'M A PLAYER." I suppose there is some merit behind this perception, because I never really had a problem in the whole "dating department;" but, that was never because I was set on putting another notch on my belt like most other guys. I never had a problem with getting girls because I've always been very confident in myself; but more importantly, because I hated being lonely. Up until I came to Korea, I've never been single for more than a few months at a time.When I came to Korea however, I was like a man on a mission looking for his future wife because I knew I would never find her in Memphis. The very fact that I was in Korea altered my perception on relationships; but even then, the Devil was still hidden in the details. Though I had the right intentions in looking for a God fearing woman, I still viewed them as a means to get closer to God rather than get closer to Him on my own first. Satan definitely capitalized on this fallacy of mine and it really showed in the following months.

After my coffee date with Jane, I was inspired to write a song about her. I began brainstorming all the thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and emotions that I had for Jane and took pen to paper. As I began painting a picture with my heart slathered on the tip of my brush, each stroke only reminded me of how hopeless my cause was. Despite my lack of confidence in my pursuit for Jane however, I still felt the need to express the way I felt: so I could at least experience a cathartic release through the words in my song. By the time I was finished, the song looked a little like this:

In this concrete jungle I am getting myself into trouble
Cos I cant quite seem to get her out of my mind
Cos I’m looking at her one by one
And she has told me the woman that she’s become
And I can’t fight the fact that she could be the one… For me.

So I wish that she could somehow see the way I feel for her
And not be blinded by all those things that get in the way
Cause if she just took one look at my heart
I promise she would fall apart
But she’s in the majors and I’m just a fan in the crowd. 

In this concrete jungle I am making my move on the double
So I can get close, get closer to who you are
Cause I’m thinking of all the dreams in my bed
And she's the spitting image of the girl in my head
So I can’t fight the fact that I wish that she was mine   

So I wish she could somehow see the way I feel for her
And not be blinded by all those things that get in the way
Cause if she just took one look at my heart
I promise she would fall apart
But she’s in the majors and I’m just a fan in the crowd.

And I cannot breathe, I cannot sleep, I want you
So give me a chance, I'll be your romance
Just me and you

Of course, Jane never found out that this song was actually about her because I honestly had no reason to feel the way I did at that point in our relationship. At that point, around the time I wrote this song, I think it would be safe to assume that my feelings for her was more founded in infatuation than anything else. I began to really question the way I felt for her and convinced myself that I was stupid for feeling this way about Jane; because in all reality, I still had no idea who Jane really was. This is when I gave up on her and looked at the whole scenario as an opportunity to go explore my options and try to take my mind off of Jane. 

The months of April through October was squandered away with mindless dating and trying to take my mind off of Jane; but in the end, I found myself comparing every girl I met to Jane and always reaching the same conclusion that they had absolutely nothing on her. However, there was one girl that I met sometime in August that was able to compete with Jane and so I invested quite some time in pursuing her. Unfortunately, she couldn't see passed the fact that I wasn't a virgin and so she wrote me off way before she really ever got a chance to know more than just my past. Coincidentally however, this was also around the same time Jane conveniently popped back into my life. I'm a little fuzzy on the time-line but between me switching churches and Jane going back to the States, the time I spent trying to forget Jane was a little easier because I didn't have to see her every week. However, all that changed sometime in September because I decided that I really needed to start making an effort to get plugged into a church and actually become part of a community. This was around the time I returned to the church I attended when I met Jane so that I could join a bible study group and make a stronger effort to get myself plugged into church. When I saw Jane for the first time after not seeing her in several months, all the emotions and feelings I had locked away came rushing back out into the open; but despite my hopeless affections for her, it was still a breathe of fresh air to see that she was just as excited to see me as I was to see her.

I remember catching up with her one Sunday after service and I was certain that she must have had a boyfriend by then; but to my surprise, she was still single. When she asked me if I had a girlfriend, I was relieved to tell her that I had been single as well. I'm not sure if I was reading too much into her body language and tonality, but she appeared to be genuinely happy that I was still single too: and it really made me feel good inside. Though I wasn't completely satisfied in my walk with God at that point, I was definitely more confident in where I stood with God compared to back when I first met Jane. It was like a fresh start for me and so I really wanted to do things right this time around. However, I was still unaware of the transformation that was about to take place in my life; but for now, we'll have to end things here until next time.    

Transformation (part 6)

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions" because "the Devil is in the details." I wonder how many times we've heard these quotes and simply accepted them at face value: rather than truly digging deep enough to see where these quotes actually applied to us in our own lives? For me, these quotes took on a whole new meaning once I experienced my transformation; but in order to articulate the evolution of these quotes in my own life, we must first rewind back to the beginning of 2010 when I first laid eyes upon Jane.

It was sometime in the middle of February and I was just starting to make an effort to get plugged into Church. I remember meeting members of the praise team and vocalizing my interest in being part of the music ministry. I was honored that one of the praise leaders actually invited me to shadow their practices on Saturdays and I remember anticipating the following weekend. However, to my surprise, when I had gotten to church that next Saturday, none of the praise team members were there; instead, I was greeted by an usher welcoming people to a seminar that was just about to start. Apparently, practice was canceled and I seemed to have missed the memo. Despite the miss-communication I figured, since I've already made the trek to church, I might as well make the most of it: and so I participated in the seminar regardless of the fact that I knew absolutely no one and felt like a complete stranger. As I sat in the back, I couldn't help but notice that my eyes were naturally gravitating toward this one girl and it seemed as if our eyes must have crossed paths several times throughout the first half of the seminar. She definitely had my attention and it was pretty sad; because in retrospect, I should have been more focused on the seminar and not this girl that so hypnotically captivated my attention.

I remember a voice inside me saying, "YOU HAVE TO MEET THIS GIRL!" I wanted to ignore it but let's keep in mind, this was all happening while I was still living for myself and not for God. Needless to say, I indulged my superego and began looking for an opportunity in which I could at least make an introduction. The Jedi within me began to plot and scheme of ways in which I could meet her without making it look intentional. I didn't want my intentions to be known because no matter how many different ways I looked at this whole scenario, I knew my heart was not right with God. However, this is most likely all hindsight bias because I'm pretty sure I committed to my actions way before I even considered what God would want first. I think it's safe to assume that I subconsciously manipulated the circumstances naturally because I only had one agenda to fulfill, and that was getting what Danner wanted without making himself look bad or appear as if he was after something.

I remember seeing her walking in with another guy and it appeared as if they were either close friends or an item. I was really hoping for the former to say the least; because ultimately, my end goal was to find a way to get closer to her and if she was already taken, making such an effort would seem pointless. Anyways, after the first half of the seminar, there was an intermission and time allotted for people to grab lunch before the second half began. After everybody started to mingle and discuss where they were going to eat lunch, I recognized the guy Jane was sitting with and so I strategically placed myself in his vicinity in hopes that I could capitalize on an opportunity to participate in his conversation. I overheard him speaking of the food industry and so I couldn't help but intrude because I originally came to Korea to penetrate the food industry as well.
I made my introduction and began to share with him my reasons for coming to Korea. Eventually, Jane approached and he introduced me. This was how I was able to accomplish my initial objective: to make an introduction without my intentions being known.

Afterward, a group of people including Jane decided to go eat at a Chinese restaurant near church and I was pretty stoked that I would have an opportunity to find out more about her. It was a chance to put a story behind this girl that peaked my interest so suddenly and unexpectedly. While we were waiting for our food, I made sure to ask basic questions and make the most of the opportunity that had presented itself in front of me. It was a plus to learn that the guy Jane was with was not her boyfriend; but to my dismay however, I also learned that she was older than me and it was so painful to hear Jane utter the words, "Wow, you're so young." Was it over before it ever began? I was so shocked to learn that she was older than me because by all appearances, she definitely did not look her age. I even thought that she might be younger than me; but I guess that's all pretty irrelevant. I digress. Jane was one of the first people I met at church so in the following weeks, it was quite easy for me to talk with her after service; and quite frankly, she was always the highlight of my week whenever I got to see her. Each time we spoke, I tried to make the most of it and genuienly make an effort to get to know jane as a person. Through the mini conversations that took place in the following weeks, I learned enough about Jane to know that she definitely fit the basic criteria for what I looked for in a wife. The more I got to know Jane, the more my feelings and intentions for her began to shift to a more noble and genuine purpose.

Finally, I was able to have a one on one with Jane in March. It was a few days after "White Day" which is a holiday in Korea which takes place on the 14th of March. On this holiday, the guys get something for the girls and John wanted my help with baking cookies for his girfriend at the time. I figured, if we were going to do all this for John's girlfriend, I might as well give my portion of the cookies to someone I thought was special; and of course, Jane was the only girl that came to mind. Needless to say, after "White Day" had passed, I told Jane that I wanted to give her something and so I asked her out for coffee. I was actually shocked she said yes but that just goes to show how great of a person Jane is.

While we had coffee, we had a great oppurtunity to share a little bit of our pasts and talk about our relationships with God. It was then that I learned about Jane's resilience, love for God, business minded independence, successful career, and her childlike heart. She quickly became the object of my affection and my admiration for her had a way of bringing out the best in me. I prayed about her several times afterward, but this is where I feel that the "road to Hell was paved with good intentions" in my own life. Though my intentions for her were pure, my core motivation behind my intentions were still not right with God. Later on, I would come to realize this; but at the time, I had no idea that Jane would play such a monumental role in my life altering transformation. A combination of John's Transformation, my own transformation, and my feelings for Jane would somehow all come together in such a way that would open my eyes to a whole different dynamic in my relationships with God and women; but, this will be for another day.

Transformation (part 5)

Growing up in a Christian family can be a blessing and a curse; and in many ways, my own personal walk with God is a great example of this. Being raised as a Christian at a very young age helped me learn the basic principles of Christianity. John 3:16 and the Ten Commandments were pretty much the sum of my Christian faith until I turned 11 and I attended my first church retreat. This retreat marked the beginning when I was first filled with the Holy Spirit. However, this retreat ultimately served as nothing more than my first "spiritual high." I tasted the beauty of God's grace and I was addicted to the "feeling" of being in love with God as if it were a drug. For five years, this pattern persisted. I'd go to a retreat, be filled with the spirit, lose the high, and then wait for the next spiritual high to come along. It was a blessing I was able to experience God's love at an early age but it was also a curse because I was too young to comprehend it or appreciate it in the way I was meant to.

My adolescent years must have been absolute torture for my parents to endure; because I must say, I was a horrible and volatile child. I was extremely selfish, inconsiderate, quick to anger, hypocritical, defiant, rebellious, and too stubborn to see the error in my ways. My teachers hated me and my parents did more than their fair share of showing me tough love every time I would get myself into trouble at school. My grades were worse than poor and my attitude toward everyone was downright unacceptable. Of course, there would be momentary phases when a retreat would temporarily alter my actions; but for the most part, I always fell short when it came to a more permanent transformation.

After 5 years had passed since my first experience with the Holy spirit, it was pretty sad to see that there was nothing about me that clearly showed I was transformed by the love of Christ. The only thing showing the world that I was a Christian was the fact that I went to church every Sunday; and let's face it, that is such a pathetic representation of what a Christian should be. As I got older, these realizations began to dawn on me. I knew something had to change if I was to go around proclaiming I was a Christian. Then on the 5th year, at the end of my sophomore year in high school, I attended my first large scale retreat. First, I went to a retreat in Atlanta called SYNOD, then a conference in LA called JAMA. It was at these retreats I finally came to "know" God and find myself in Christ. I remember the climax of my transformation manifesting itself while I was on my knees praying and pouring out my heart on the last night of JAMA. I can still recreate the memory in my head. For the first time I began praying allowed as if no one else could hear me. It was just me and God and it felt as if I was in His presence alone. Tears poured down my face as I began shouting to God, "Where do I stand God?!" over and over as I pounded my palms against the floor. I wanted something more than just another spiritual high. I wanted the real thing and for once in my life, I wanted to change from the inside out rather than mask everything with temporary alterations in my actions. I remember asking God to put me through the fire and to use my hands and feet to do His will. It was at this point in my life that I received the calling to serve God full time.

Once I returned from the retreats, I was a changed man. I had turned a new leaf and it began to show through my actions and my relationships. My grades vastly improved, my conduct surprised many of my teachers, and my parents could see that something had changed. I can't say that everyday was spent loving God but I can definitely say that my transformation was much more permanent than simply experiencing a spiritual high. I became much more involved with church and by the time I was 18, I was leading praise. My love and obedience to God remained pretty consistent until God put my love to the test in my 2nd year of college.

By the time I was 20, I had harnessed my passion for music and it was one of the main channels in which I expressed my act of worship. Leading praise was a huge part of my life and walk with God. Around this time, God gave me an opportunity to grow in this area of my life when one of the pastors that I had met while I was at SYNOD took a position at the largest Korean church in Memphis. Pastor Jacob was my spiritual mentor and it didn't matter that he was the youth pastor of a different church. Eventually, pastor Jacob organized a joint Wednesday night service for all the youth groups in Memphis. He asked me to lead praise for this service and I remember him warning us about the hardships we might face for doing it. At first, I didn't figure these hardships would eventually lead up to me running away from God; but it soon became apparent that Satan had a strong foothold in the Korean churches of Memphis.

Controversy started to surface because I was leading praise at a church different than my own. In the beginning, I ignored the controversy because I knew that what I was doing was pleasing in God's eyes and it didn't matter if it didn't please the elders at my church. I stuck to my convictions and held strong onto the idea that the church is not a building but rather the fellowship of the body of Christ. It didn't matter that my service to God was being carried out at a different church; but apparently, it mattered a lot to the elders. Eventually, the controversy became so bad to the point that my own father and uncle sat me down in the middle of the fellowship hall of my church while everyone was eating. They began scolding me for my actions and asking me why I wasn't leading praise on Wednesday night at my own church. The reasons were clear. There was no English Ministry at our church and I knew I wouldn't be fed by sitting through a Korean sermon. Despite my reasoning and objections, my uncle and father were set on rebuking me and making sure that I knew that they were right and I was wrong. The dispute eventually climaxed when my father looked me straight in the eyes and told me, "You know, on the outside, you may appear to be a strong Christian, but on the inside, you're nothing." When I heard him say this, a part of me died and an evil spirit swept over me. I remember yelling, "If I'm nothing as a Christian, then what is the point in living?! Why don't you just kill me now!!!" I lost control and became like a mad man. My father, whom is much bigger and stronger than me, couldn't even control me. I remember overpowering my father and throwing him to the ground. I remember punching the wall uncontrollably as blood dripped down from my fists. I remember my mom crying hysterically and my pastor eventually having to calm me down and taking me outside. Outside, while I was expressing my frustrations to my pastor, I remember telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. I told him that I couldn't put up with the politics of church and serving God if it was going to be this hard. It was there that I decided to run away from it all. I was going to transfer schools and get out of Memphis.

When I transferred schools, I wasn't just leaving Memphis, I was also running away from God. I had decided that I was tired of being this goody goody Christian and abstaining from indulging my fleshly passions. I wanted to explore the world and put myself before God. In a sense, you could view my exodus from Memphis as a representation of me leaving God's house in the story of the prodigal son. Though God was still my father, I didn't want the inconvenience of living under the same roof as Him: so I moved out. I put my own desires above that of God's and visited Him only when it was convenient for me. On the surface, though I still appeared to be a Christian, in my heart, I was wandering in darkness. I can't say that God was completely out of the picture, but He definitely wasn't first in my life. This was the state I was in when I met John; and while I was in darkness, God still used me to bring glory to His name. So after 5 years of wandering in the desert, God somehow used my brokenness to not only help bring John to Christ but also to use John's transformation to bring about transformation of my own. This is one of the main reasons why 2010 will forever be remembered as one of the best years of my life. The other reason revolves around my almost sinful obsession with Jane but that story will be for another day.

Transformation (part 4)

"One of them, an expert in the law, tested him (Jesus) with this question: 'teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'" -Matthew 22:35-40

It was now December and John had been back from San Fransisco for a few weeks. With each passing day his transformation manifested more intensely and I couldn't help but to reminisce back to the days when I remembered being so on fire for God. It was like looking at a mirror that reflected a memory of who I used to be in God's love when I looked upon John. Though I was overwhelmed with joy, I was also filled with sorrow. Looking at John and his fiery passion to love God in the best way he knew how only reminded me that my love for God was not a love in which I was proud. I realized that when you truly fall in love, with anyone really, obedience is one of the first things you want to offer up.

John struggled with an addictive personality and with such, came many vices. I remember John telling me that he was going to drop everything: he was going to purge all of the darkness within. He said he was going to be obedient to God and that he wanted me to help him with it. The culmination of all our conversations on obedience rang a resounding message. Now, mind you, these conversations took place while I myself was still in darkness; so, my stance on obedience was simply what I had retained in the past. I wasn't necessarily obedient myself to say the least; but that wasn't so much because I wasn't obeying or being mindful of God's commands while in darkness, but we can get to that later. As we spoke on obedience, I began to see that the meaning of obedience had been so restricted in my own mind. Obedience to me simply revolved around the legalities of Christianity. Thou shalt not do this, thou shalt not do that. Obedience to me, seemed to only apply to the do's and dont's of Christianity. As I pondered the significance of the commands God had given us and began to analyze why exactly we as Christians adhered to all the commands of God with such rigidity, I realized: I, along with so many other Christians, had it all wrong when it came to obedience.

When I thought about this whole fallacy revolving around obedience on my own time, I remembered the passage above. I asked myself, if loving God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind is the greatest commandment God gave to us, why was I so preoccupied with the legalities of the do's and dont's of Christianity? Then it struck me: if God's commandments were completely isolated and set apart from God, they would be nothing more than a pathetic rule book to limit our actions and ways of life. I'm not saying that I actively broke every commandment possible simply because I thought they were meaningless and unnecessary, but what I AM saying is that the reasoning behind why I felt so guilty for not obeying God's commands were completely flawed. Here I was feeling guilty because I KNEW I was living in darkness and I KNEW I was having a little too much fun in the gray zone; but in reality, I should have felt guilty because I didn't actively love God.

As I said before, when you first fall in love with someone, obedience is usually one of the first things you want to offer up. Why is this? And why do so many of us Christians seem to lose sight of this reality when it comes to our relationship with God? Obedience to God shouldn't be because you have a clear grasp on the legalities of the Law; but instead, we should be obedient to God because the greatest commandment is to love Him first. With that being said, obedience doesn't just encompass adhering His commands and following all of His teachings with exact precision; because if that were the case, God would not be glorified at all. Obedience has a much deeper meaning than that. My epiphany helped me realize that the deeper meaning behind obedience to God meant being in tune with Him and being sensitive to His presence, not just simply being able to comply with a rule book. 

Picture a master and a servant. When the master commands his servant to do this task or that, it is expected of the servant to comply with his master's wishes. The master doesn't gain any satisfaction in the fact that his servant fulfills what he was told to do because he is only doing what is expected of him. Now conversely, picture a father and his son. If the child simply obeyed his father in the same fashion the servant obeyed his master, what satisfaction could possibly be gained by the father? Obedience would be nothing more than just the bi-product of dominance; and ultimately, obedience would be an empty and meaningless shell. I believe obedience means so much more than that. I believe the son's obedience in the father's eyes would be so much sweeter if it was because the son was harmoniously in tune with his father's heart. However, sometimes this kind of obedience is a lot easier said than done.

Burning out in the Christian walk is quite a discouraging reality when it comes to realizing just how weak we really are. I have a theory on why so many of us Christians burn out so easily. I feel that Christians burn out because we lose sight of why we obeyed God's commandments in the first place. In the beginning, we are so on fire for God and we are so in love with Him that obeying His commands come so naturally and effortlessly. At first, obedience to the legalistic aspect of Christianity is bearable; but over time, it becomes second nature: it becomes nothing more than the empty shell that is obedience. Once we have forgotten the significance behind obedience, the very act of obedience begins to chip away at our love for God because many times, we find our obedience to be an inconvenience. This inconvenience then slowly begins feeling like an obligation rather than a natural response and a bi-product of our love for God; until eventually, we don't love God at all with our hearts, but instead simply with our lips. This is why it is so important to comprehend the true meaning of Obedience in Christ. Obedience to God should be out of love not an obligation. Ultimately, my conversations with John on obedience taught me that I didn't feel guilty because I wasn't the most ideal Christian when it came to obeying God's commands; but rather, I felt guilty because I realized I didn't love God at that point in my life: at least not in the sense that I loved Him with all my heart. However, all that changed on Sunday, the day after Christmas.

Up until that point, John never came with me to church. Regardless of how many times I asked him to join me or prayed for that day to come, it seemed as if I was fighting a lost cause; however, given this new transformation that had changed his life, I thought it was worth another shot. At first, John was a little resistant to the idea so he began attending a different service once he got back from San Fransisco. I was completely happy with the fact that he was at least attending A church, but I still had this burning desire in my heart  for us to attend service together. We had never attended service together prior to that day: so imagine my surprise when John actually asked me if he could join me on that Sunday after Christmas. I was ecstatic! I was so pumped to finally introduce him to the body of Christ and my church. I explained to him why fellowship was so important and why I wanted him to be part of my church. Needless to say, that day had finally come, and there he was, standing right next to me during worship. Then it hit my like a ton of bricks and tears began to flow down my face like Niagara Falls. Everything that John and I had talked about throughout the whole year suddenly flashed like snapshot memories in my mind and the sensation pierced my heart with an overwhelming revelation of God's love and grace. It was there, while standing next to John at church for the first time in my life, that I finally underwent transformation of my own; and believe me, it was long overdue. However, in order to understand the magnitude of such a climax, we'll have to rewind a little and take a closer look into my past. So, if the beauty of God's love isn't apparent by now, hopefully a little more insight into my past will open your eyes to the same beauty that I have recently rediscovered in God's grace.         




  

Transformation (part 3)

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance -- for understanding proverbs and parables, the saying and riddles of the wise. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools (morally deficient) despise wisdom and discipline." -Proverbs 1:5-7

Once John returned from San Fransisco, I was quite surprised to hear that much had changed in his life. There was something definitely different in his demeanor. He was blessed with an insatiable curiosity, not for being able to tell the future so that he could gain a sense of control in his life, but rather for the mystery that is God. He no longer cared about the outcome of his life, but instead, he simply wanted to know God. I was bombarded with questions about the Christian faith; and though I felt inadequate to properly articulate the answers John was searching for, I answered them to the best of my abilities and with ecstatic enthusiasm.

Needless to say, the fear of the Lord came up in one of our conversations and we spent quite some time discussing the significance behind this concept as Christians. Now that John had made the internal decision to challenge his faith in God, the next step was to understand the wisdom behind God's divine power. I remember sharing this scripture with John and trying to explain what it means to me to fear the Lord. The fear of the Lord is not confiding in "fire insurance" because you don't want to be damned to Hell for all eternity, nor does it mean you should obey the Lord simply because you fear Him, because I don't believe this is the kind of fear God wanted to portray to his Children.

John was a new man and I was digging every moment of it because it was so exciting to see how God was using such a terrible Christian such as me to be a part of John's transformation; but more importantly, I was so enamored with God's love in the way He was using John to be part of my own transformation as well. However, we shall address this in greater detail later.

John began asking questions about obedience and duties we must fulfill as Christians and I really wanted to highlight the fact that obedience should not be out of fear, but out of reverence and love. There are many benefits behind the wisdom of God and in order to fully acknowledge the greatness behind His divinity, we must first humble ourselves and acknowledge that we are truly insignificant when it comes to pitting our fallible understandings against that of God's. In order to better understand this, briefly think of someone in your life that you hold in high regard. Ask yourself, "Why do I respect this individual?" What has this person done, shown, or said for you to acknowledge that he/she is worth respecting? Then you might reach the conclusion that you respect this person because you feel like you could learn something from him/her. In the very least, you may hold this person in high regard because you look up to him/her. Respect is one of the first signs of humility and therefore, it is very crucial for you to respect God's divinity: and once you can truly grasp onto such a respect, you will begin to learn why the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Proverbs 3:1-8 does a great job or articulating just that.

"My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."

Essentially, your reverence and love for God allows you to respect Him enough to humble yourself to His teachings and submit yourself to his divine power. Your respect for God allows you to see the magnitude of His greatness and therefore cannot help but to fear the limitless power of God. As a result, the fear of the Lord does not cause you to love and respect God, but rather because you love and respect Him, you fear Him out of reverence. I don't believe you can truly fear God until you acknowledge and respect Him first. Most importantly, the fear of the Lord should never be so because you are afraid to go to hell; because if that is the only reason why you fear God, then you should really ask yourself, "Do I truly KNOW God?"

Once I articulated my Beliefs on the fear of the Lord with John, we eventually reached the aspect of obedience as a Christian and all the complexities that surrounded it. This is when part of my own transformation began to manifest; because as God spoke through me, He was also teaching me at the same time. That is how great God is.  

   

Transformation (part 2)

Each conversation we had as the months passed seemed to get a little more intense with each visit to the concept of Faith. John was slowly acknowledging that in the end, his problem with God wasn't so much his circumstances, rather than a lack of faith. I remember telling John that if God didn't love him, why else would he send people like me and my brother into his life? John felt that God had to show him a clear sign but he didn't grasp onto the fact that the very conversations we were having about faith was in a sense a sign from God in itself. To be honest, I didn't really think of it that way either until I actually sat down and pondered the whole concept of God's Grace. God uses even the most unworthy of His Children to accomplish His great and perfect Will.

There have been so many times in my own life when I kept asking God for a sign or for Him to reveal Himself to me, but I failed to pay attention when He was actually trying to tell me something. It was breaking my heart that my words weren't able to change John's heart but I remembered a time when someone once told me that all we can do as Christians is plant the seed and let God do what He must to nurture that seed and change John's heart from the inside out. There was nothing else I could do but continue to share my convictions and show John that I would always support him and love him regardless of his own convictions, beliefs, or disagreements. I truly believe that the gospel must be shared in love, so that is exactly what I did. I loved John with all my heart and I will always Love him.

Then November rolled around. John had planned a trip to San Fransisco so that he could visit a friend in need. I remember wishing him traveling mercies and telling him not to get himself into too much trouble. A few weeks went by and little did I know, a transformation was taking place in John's life while he was overseas.
John's friend had shared his testimony with John and told him about all the tribulations he was going through. John couldn't possibly grasp onto the fact that despite all of his friend's negative circumstances, he still found it in his heart to be joyful and excited about the plans that God had in store for him. I think this is when everything started to click and the puzzle pieces started to fit for John. Once John realized the magnitude of his friend's circumstances and yet was able to see joy in his friend's heart, John realized that he had been so wrong about everything. The thing is, John had some pretty nasty circumstances of his own. He suffered from many things and was tormented by the fact that if God was such a good God, why would He let all these bad things happen to John and his family. He was genuinely angry with God because he knew just how much his family loved God but yet, God allowed them to go through so much pain and suffering. He couldn't comprehend the fact that God would allow bad things to happen to good people. Sounds pretty familiar right? I'm pretty sure everyone has heard something along those lines from someone else before or harbored the very thought in his/her own heart at one point or another.

The problem of evil is an age old dispute that many people harbor inside when it comes to fighting with God. I think we as believers and even some non believers have fought with God before at least once in our lives. Let's face it, as Christians, God is such an easy scapegoat for us. Its so easy to place the blame on the mastermind or the puppet master; but we have to ask ourselves, is God a puppet master or the divine creator and God of the Universe? Does God actually make specific things happen to certain people? Is God simply a kid with a magnifying glass abusing His own power to burn ants along the sidewalk? I don't know the answer to this question but what I DO believe is that God is always in control and He would never allow something to happen on this world without using it to achieve a more glorious purpose. Isaiah chapter 55 comes to mind when I think about this paradox within the problem of evil. I would highly recommend reading this chapter if you struggle with the same issue. Isaiah 55:8-11 in particular has helped me a great deal over the years when it came to observing my own life and my own struggles. This is the word of the Lord...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from the heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

In this life, perspective is everything. The focus of your attention can mean the difference between enlightenment and a black heart. Will you focus on the surface of reality and accept the visible circumstances as your subjective reality or will you dive deeper and find the meaning behind it all? I feel so many of us humans in general, regardless of whether we are believers or not, take life at face value and jump to conclusions too prematurely. As a result, many humans become jaded, callus, cynical, and downright negative as they get older. Its pretty sad that this kind of reality has brainwashed people into thinking that naivety and wearing your heart on your sleeve is associated with being "young," while being callus and cynical is associated with maturity. I think once you can experience your fair share of trials and tribulations and still be able to wear your heart on your sleeve and maintain a positive outlook on life, you can truly say you have matured. Doing this is no easy task and could definitely not be done without a higher power on your side. Regardless of whether or not you choose to give credit where credit is due, I truly believe that it wasn't me that was able to prevail from my own afflictions unscathed and therefore, my heart tells me that God is real and He lives within me.

Humans are so bound by the limitations of time and its pretty unfortunate that we as humans all want immediate gratification. I am by no means an exception. I constantly find myself wishing I could control time and space just so that I could gain a better understanding of the bigger picture; but then again, what is life if you already know each turn and obstacle that your journey will take? Ask yourself this. When you are anticipating to watch a movie you are really excited about, do you go around asking people that have already watched it all the specific details of the movie or do you simply ask, "Was it good?"
Why is our lives any different from watching a huge blockbuster movie? Why are we so curious to know every detail of our own lives? In my opinion, I think curiosity grows so intensely within us because we hate not feeling like we are in control.

Helplessness is such an excruciating feeling and what do most people do when they feel helpless and pushed into a corner? They either explode with guns blazing and try to gain back the control they feel they've lost, beat themselves up because they can't do anything about it, or my favorite, place all the blame on God or some other external locust of control so that they won't have to feel so bad about themselves. I can honestly say that I have done all three of them at some point in my life. There have been times I've cursed God because I felt so helpless but what I failed to realize was, sometimes God allows us to feel helpless so that we can begin to comprehend the necessity for a power greater than our own. It's so easy to start convincing yourself that all the great things you've accomplished in your life have been on your own, and in many ways, that is very true. Your actions ARE your own and your victories by all appearances are yours as well; however, once you take the next step and interpret this reality as a means to exclude God out of your life, the fallacies begin to pile up. Therefore, God must keep us all in check and reveal Himself to us in ways that aren't so obvious and clear cut. Because while on the one hand, it is necessary for God's people to realize the fallacies in their own ways; on the flip side, God would gain no glory by telling everyone how their journey ends. Life is a journey and God just wants to be a part of it, not be the one to spoil the ending.          

It would be so nice if God could just descend from the Heavens and literally come to us individually and spell everything out for us; but then again, where would God be glorified in all of it? If God left no room for faith so that His creation could seek Him on their own terms, God would be no different from any other scientific principle that could just as easily be credited or discredited through human means. Faith is intangible. Faith is something that many people seem to fear. Faith is in many ways, surrendering control over to God so that we can be obedient to His plans; however, this may be the very reason why people are so fearful of faith, because it means surrendering control. This is the Grace of God, a choice to love Him or reject Him. God is not a dictator. He is simply a Father who wants His children to  love Him because they choose to love Him, not because He puts a gun to our heads and commands us to love Him out of fear. Yes the fear of the Lord is the beginning of Knowledge but we can address that later. Fearing the Lord and why we should fear the Lord was the next thing John and I discussed after he returned with a greater curiosity to learn more.