Transformation (part 8)

After I returned to my original church with a new conviction to really try and make an effort to become a part of a community, I found myself spending more time with Jane and her friends after service. It was euphoric being able to actually spend time with her and really begin to learn things about her as a person, rather than just an object of my affection. With each passing week, I was able to pick up on some of her mannerisms, opinions, passions, struggles, and hobbies that she enjoyed. Needless to say, not all of the things I learned about her were positive; but then again, I never really held her up on a pedestal to ever be disappointed by such realizations about her that weren't so appealing. I remember thinking to myself and wishing that she would somehow naturally develop a desire to get to know me in the same way; because, I truly felt that if she got to know who I was as a person and a brother in Christ, she would see something more than just the door to my heart: she would be able to see the beauty within as well. I really wanted her to be curious enough to reciprocate the same vulnerability that I was willing to surrender for her so that she could finally see who I truly was. I wanted her to see the good and the bad things about me so that she could begin to realize that she had nothing to be afraid of; because, I would never judge her or be disappointed in what I found out once she truly opened up to me.

Let's fast forward to December. Jane's birthday was coming up and I contemplated what I should get her so that I could portray the right message. I wanted to get her something thoughtful enough to show her that I really cared about her; but at the same time, not get her anything so big so that it would make her feel uncomfortable.I would like to think my gift achieved its purpose, but I guess I'll never really know for sure. However, when she received my gift, the smile on her face came as a huge relief for me and that was all I needed: to see that I was able to put a smile on her face.

During this time, John was going through his transformation and I myself was slowly making adjustments in my own Christian walk. Through John's transformation, I slowly began to realize that my views on loving a woman could potentially by detrimental to my relationship with God: so I really began to adjust my feelings for Jane so that I wouldn't be pursuing her for the wrong reasons. This internal battle between my heart and my mind was quite overwhelming because all I wanted to do was tell Jane how I really felt; but, I knew that if God was to even consider blessing a relationship between Jane and me, I had to get right with God and be in tune with His heart first. Despite the awareness of my apparent struggle, the emotions inside were begging to come out and so an inspiration for a new song was born. I decided it was time to stop and really take a few steps back in order to meditate on how I really felt inside for Jane. Then, my words began to illustrate the rushing river inside that was powered by the passionate currents of emotion flowing inside of me. I named the song "Nothing Less Than You" and the lyrics went like this:

have you ever had to separate your heart and mind to wait for something great

cause its killing me inside not to share my heart with you

I'm tryin to take it slow, I'm tryin to hold it all in, but every time I see you smile I seem to cave in

cos no one else can seem to compare with you

So though I am afraid,

My heart is on display

and I wouldn't have it any other way

Words just don't do justice to the way I feel

cos standing next to you to me just seems so surreal

And I'm tired of being just another fan in the crowd

so now its time to say, want nothing less than you

I searched my soul, I searched my heart and mind and it seems you're the only girl my love could find

so please look at me under a new light

its takes a little faith just to let me in, but I promise you'll be happy with what's within

cos baby you're the only girl that's on my mind

So though I am afraid,

My heart is on display

and I wouldn't have it any other way

Words just don't do justice to the way I feel

cos standing next to you to me just seems so surreal

And im tired of being just another fan in the crowd

so now its time to say, want nothing less than you

 

But if your heart don’t sing - the same tune I’m playing

The next girl that I meet, will be nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

nothing less than you

Christmas was fast approaching after I wrote this song and the restlessness inside of me was becoming more and more hindering. The impatience that was welling up inside of me wanted to forcefully introduce a game changer to the whole scenario between Jane and me. It wanted to spill the beans to Jane and just get it over with; but, I couldn't discount the fact that I still had to tread carefully: because I knew how thin the line was between pursuing love for a girl in Christ, and pursuing love simply for personal gratification's sake. I concluded that I had to remain patient and maintain the course that I was already on, slow and steady. Everyday I would pray about her and really ask God for wisdom throughout the whole ordeal, regardless of the outcome, so that I could still come away from this experience with a heart right with God.  After giving it much thought, I decided I would get her a gift that would truly make her feel special. I knew that even though she was probably completely content with being single, I felt it would still mean a lot to her if she knew that someone out there truly believed that she was special. After she received the gift, I was hoping that something would happen from the gesture; but to my dismay, nothing ever changed between us, at least to my knowledge that is. 

Then the day after Christmas came and John attended church with me. My transformation manifested itself to its full critical mass and it was as if I was able to see things clearly again. Once I was transformed and given a new paradigm in which I could view myself, the world around me, and my relationship with God, I came to the realization that my affections for Jane would only hinder my walk with God.  I say this because if I continued to feel the way I did for Jane while there was still a very high possibility that she would never return those same feelings back to me, I wouldn't truly be able to focus on God. Therefore, I decided I would have to make a conscious effort to lock away my feelings for Jane once more. This was the only way to maintain my relationship with Jane as a friend and sister in Christ without having to block her out of my life completely. As long as I could guard my heart from such unmerited affections, she could still be a part of my life without being a temptation or a hindrance. 

Essentially, my initial transformation took place because of my relationship with John. It truly put into perspective that I needed to love God more and put Him above any other love in this world. Then, my relationship with Jane showed me that one of my biggest hindrances in my walk with God was my love for women and that I really needed to guard my heart in that area of my life in order to truly focus on God. Though I am changing even still and learning how to put God first with each passing day, I am so grateful that John and Jane were placed into my life; because ultimately, God comes first and my relationships with John and Jane both played a role in helping me reach this epiphany. So in sum, meeting John and Jane served as the very reason why 2010 will forever go down in my book as one of the best years of my life.