Transformation (part 7)

I used to despise it when people would say, "I just want to be friends because I really value my friendship with you." Its pretty ironic though because I used to say that all the time to the girls that would approach me and confess their feelings for me; but, I guess we all have double standards we're not quite proud of right? However, the more I got to know Jane, the more I began thinking to myself that I would rather be close to her as a friend than be nothing at all to her. I can honestly say that Jane was the first girl I ever felt this way for; but that's also because I was thoroughly convinced that she was way out of my league. However, it wasn't because I lacked confidence in myself in any way; rather, it was because I lacked confidence in my relationship with God. At that point in my life, God was just a passenger in the backseat and not really the navigator of my life. My friends had no idea why I felt like she was out of my league and they would always tell me to be more confident in myself because I had everything going for me, at least on the outside that is. Though I was still not under the same roof as God, He was still my Father remember?  This distance that I had with God weighed heavily on my conscience because I've always been a hopeless romantic and therefore, I always had marriage in mind: and if I was to view Jane as a potential wife, I knew I would have to be a lot closer to God's heart and capable of being a spiritual leader rather than a follower.

Contrary to popular belief, the first impression that I usually give to people is nothing like who I really am on the inside. On the outside, I emit a certain aura of confidence in the way I carry myself and many times people misconceive my confidence, my way with words, and my physical appearance as a flashing light that screams, "I'M A PLAYER." I suppose there is some merit behind this perception, because I never really had a problem in the whole "dating department;" but, that was never because I was set on putting another notch on my belt like most other guys. I never had a problem with getting girls because I've always been very confident in myself; but more importantly, because I hated being lonely. Up until I came to Korea, I've never been single for more than a few months at a time.When I came to Korea however, I was like a man on a mission looking for his future wife because I knew I would never find her in Memphis. The very fact that I was in Korea altered my perception on relationships; but even then, the Devil was still hidden in the details. Though I had the right intentions in looking for a God fearing woman, I still viewed them as a means to get closer to God rather than get closer to Him on my own first. Satan definitely capitalized on this fallacy of mine and it really showed in the following months.

After my coffee date with Jane, I was inspired to write a song about her. I began brainstorming all the thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and emotions that I had for Jane and took pen to paper. As I began painting a picture with my heart slathered on the tip of my brush, each stroke only reminded me of how hopeless my cause was. Despite my lack of confidence in my pursuit for Jane however, I still felt the need to express the way I felt: so I could at least experience a cathartic release through the words in my song. By the time I was finished, the song looked a little like this:

In this concrete jungle I am getting myself into trouble
Cos I cant quite seem to get her out of my mind
Cos I’m looking at her one by one
And she has told me the woman that she’s become
And I can’t fight the fact that she could be the one… For me.

So I wish that she could somehow see the way I feel for her
And not be blinded by all those things that get in the way
Cause if she just took one look at my heart
I promise she would fall apart
But she’s in the majors and I’m just a fan in the crowd. 

In this concrete jungle I am making my move on the double
So I can get close, get closer to who you are
Cause I’m thinking of all the dreams in my bed
And she's the spitting image of the girl in my head
So I can’t fight the fact that I wish that she was mine   

So I wish she could somehow see the way I feel for her
And not be blinded by all those things that get in the way
Cause if she just took one look at my heart
I promise she would fall apart
But she’s in the majors and I’m just a fan in the crowd.

And I cannot breathe, I cannot sleep, I want you
So give me a chance, I'll be your romance
Just me and you

Of course, Jane never found out that this song was actually about her because I honestly had no reason to feel the way I did at that point in our relationship. At that point, around the time I wrote this song, I think it would be safe to assume that my feelings for her was more founded in infatuation than anything else. I began to really question the way I felt for her and convinced myself that I was stupid for feeling this way about Jane; because in all reality, I still had no idea who Jane really was. This is when I gave up on her and looked at the whole scenario as an opportunity to go explore my options and try to take my mind off of Jane. 

The months of April through October was squandered away with mindless dating and trying to take my mind off of Jane; but in the end, I found myself comparing every girl I met to Jane and always reaching the same conclusion that they had absolutely nothing on her. However, there was one girl that I met sometime in August that was able to compete with Jane and so I invested quite some time in pursuing her. Unfortunately, she couldn't see passed the fact that I wasn't a virgin and so she wrote me off way before she really ever got a chance to know more than just my past. Coincidentally however, this was also around the same time Jane conveniently popped back into my life. I'm a little fuzzy on the time-line but between me switching churches and Jane going back to the States, the time I spent trying to forget Jane was a little easier because I didn't have to see her every week. However, all that changed sometime in September because I decided that I really needed to start making an effort to get plugged into a church and actually become part of a community. This was around the time I returned to the church I attended when I met Jane so that I could join a bible study group and make a stronger effort to get myself plugged into church. When I saw Jane for the first time after not seeing her in several months, all the emotions and feelings I had locked away came rushing back out into the open; but despite my hopeless affections for her, it was still a breathe of fresh air to see that she was just as excited to see me as I was to see her.

I remember catching up with her one Sunday after service and I was certain that she must have had a boyfriend by then; but to my surprise, she was still single. When she asked me if I had a girlfriend, I was relieved to tell her that I had been single as well. I'm not sure if I was reading too much into her body language and tonality, but she appeared to be genuinely happy that I was still single too: and it really made me feel good inside. Though I wasn't completely satisfied in my walk with God at that point, I was definitely more confident in where I stood with God compared to back when I first met Jane. It was like a fresh start for me and so I really wanted to do things right this time around. However, I was still unaware of the transformation that was about to take place in my life; but for now, we'll have to end things here until next time.